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This Week in TV: Big Brother

44722766 pa davina This Week in TV: Big Brother Sorry it’s been a few weeks however there hasn’t really been that much to cover at the moment. However with Big Brother just started I felt it was time to look at the latest bunch of idiots to enter the mad house.

With her new summer ‘do’ Davina McCall stands in the middle of the crowd and proclaims that Britain hasn’t got talent. And over her 10-15 minute introduction it is clear that neither does she. The usual shrieking and hollering from an over-excited crowd mainly made up of people who want to be in that house but also have an obsession with foam fingers and writing where they come from on big pieces of paper. The shattered eye logo meant that Big Brother is meaner and nastier than ever. Yes that’s right for the first year – there is a new ‘Zero Tolerance’ regime. Davina then shows us the punishment that the housemates get for breaking the rules either being put in a prison complete with a lovely dismembered dollhead interior or even into a nice padded cell which I’m guessing at least one of the bunch will probably have to get used to as they’ll be in the nuthouse soon after. Davina takes us round the pool, a selection of fresh vegetables and in her own words an ‘interesting room’ to probably be used for ‘something interesting’ and you wonder why Davina didn’t get a second series of her chat show. Other features of the new house include two separate bedrooms – one a completely lovely and plush Edwardian-esque luxury bedroom full of double beds the other looks like the troops room from Full Metal Jacket complete with lockers and wafer thin mattresses. But enough with that lets look at the housemates.

bbmariolisa460 This Week in TV: Big Brother
After a double entrance last year of the Stokie twins, BB gave us a double entrance again this year in the shape of the first ever couple to enter the house. Mario (real name: Sean) and Lisa seem like they fell straight from the covers of Reader’s Wives. They freely admit that people enjoy watching them which makes me think they’ve partaken of a bit of dogging before now. Mario does look a bit like Matt Le Blanc crossed with Sly Stallone but he also has the look of someone who was the fat dancer in an obscure early ’90s boyband trying to cling back onto the fame game. Lisa seems nice enough and they do make a good couple although Mario has been married before and although he claims his new love had nothing to do with it I’m guessing she probably did. Fun fact about these two is they met after she bought a Crystal Ball off him on ebay (wonder if he got that in the divorce?). He also pawned his Rolex to pay for Lisa’s impressive boob expansion well whatever floats your boat. The boos have already started as they are bundled out of a van (obviously its more fiscal than the cars they usually drive them up in and I bet they got a bulk deal). Mario’s first words on realising he and Lisa are the first two in is – lets raid the fridge, he does like his pizza after all.

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Luke is third one in there; he’s a bit nerdy but in a good way and seems to be geniunely excited by the Invisible Crust as he works as quality control in a bread factory. He wants to be the model student however I don’t think his non-drinking suit-wearing persona will catch on especially as most of his suits are from that exotic label – George from Asda. Although he seems like a nice guy the crowd still can’t control the boos. Next Stephanie who had already been rumored in the tabloids and is well known to reality fans because of her controversial appearance on Popstars: The Rivals which she entered when she was just 13 and eventually fessed up about her age and was kicked off. Now a curvaceous 19 she is as arrogant as anything and when the Big Brother auditioner says she’s just alright she looks genuinely offended. Her horrible attitude may have something to do that she is the youngest of her siblings by 14 years so will probably have been spoiled an awful lot as a child. Whatever she thinks of herself this is the first time that a solid boo erupts from the entire audience – Britain despises a show-off but then surely all 16 contestants want to show themselves off.After Stephanie comes in the house and she and Lisa have a nose around the bathroom, Big Brother calls them all to the diary room. Big Brother then tells them that they all have to take part in a task in which no-one else can find out that Mario and Lisa are a couple and that as a cover story Mario and Stephanie have to be a couple, therefore BB is condoning adultery. At this announcement it is interesting to note the four facial expressions of the housemates – Mario is quite happy about this but trying to hide his happiness through shock, Lisa laughs it off at first but after a glance at Stephanie realises oh wait a minute she’s younger and more attractive than me, meanwhile Stephanie’s expression was that of utter horror she has blatantly gone in to be famous but she doesn’t want to do by pretending to be with a guy over twice her age. Luke meanwhile is finding the whole thing hilarious but while wondering why he can’t hook up with Lisa as well. While waiting for contestant number five they drop 10 years from Mario’s age and claim he used to be a footballer although as I say ex-boybander would seem more appropriate. If the mission is unsuccessful all four will face the public vote if not the other 12 will.

rachel rice This Week in TV: Big Brother
Rachel Rice is the fifth housemate and the first one with an extensive imdb profile page including an appearance in an early film of Hugh Grant’s. They are desperately trying to paint her as annoying chatterbox but she does seem genuinely human and not a pain in the arse like a lot of the other girls in there. Luke starts overdoing the whole couple angle pointing out that he also thought that Mario and Steph didn’t seem like a genuine couple, although Rachel doesn’t seem to be interested in the ‘happy couple’ but more in Lisa’s expanding bosom. Pretty boy Dale is next in he kind of looks like Andy Scott-Lee and also like one of those karate kid duo boys who were in Britain’s Got Talent. On his opening video he said that if there’s any fanny in there he’s going to nail it but in fact he is a P.E. Teacher and Health Student and not a carpenter. He kind of fills the hunk quota and is also the forbidden fruit to tempt Stephanie away from her fake lover. Next up is ‘trendy’ student Sylvia, Sylvia is a student who was also in Sierra Leone during the civil war this seems to have made her a strong, independent woman. But edited in the right way it makes her seem up herself and arrogant, the crowd take the latter view. I am yet to form an opinion on Sylvia she’s one of these characters who I hope stays in a bit longer so I’ll get to know them. An extreme personality is Dennis who ‘eats, sleeps and poops dance’ he is completely over the top camp and sings ‘one in a million’ during his audition. In reality he is a deluded small chubby Scotsman who thinks he looks fabulous and seems to have escaped from his hometown of Royston Vasey but he also looks like a character that Matt Lucas could play. Please keep him in though if nothing else but for his sparkly T-Shirt that reads ‘the menace’.

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Another Scot and possibly the most controversial of this year’s housemates is Michael (or Mikey as he likes to be referred to as). Mikey was 8 when he lost sight in one eye and 23 when he had an operation in the other eye and completely lost his eyesight. He admits in his audition that he doesn’t want to play the blind card but already he has done so several times. He is a stand-up comic and a radio producer but is playing on the fact that other people will tiptoe around him because of his disability. Despite that he’s a thoroughly decent guy and very funny as well. A Big Brother runner accompanies Mikey into the house and tells him to wait for the voice of God, Mikey probably hoped that God would heal his blindness but in fact he just let him into the house. I would’ve loved it if Mikey had gone in with a seeing eye dog imagine the amusement it would’ve caused and it could’ve been like a 17th housemate – Mikey or his seeing eye dog who stays you decide.Next up is Alexandra who in the first two seconds of her audition VT claims to be ‘special’ so special she got knocked up at 16 and has a right mouth on her. Although other audition tapes seem to be edited to make the person look like a shit I don’t think there seems to be any worth to Alexandra she’s like a watered down version of Charley from last year without the utter hatred but just a half-assed bitterness I have no time for this woman at all and neither do the crowd as she gets the first and only ‘out, out, out’ chant accompanied by the heaviest booing of the night.

44722816 get rex This Week in TV: Big Brother
Next there’s Rex he’s billed as an executive chef which basically means his daddy owns a lot of restaurants and after Rex got thrown out of 9 schools he gave him a couple of them to run. Rex seems charming enough and almost like a salesman he seems like he’d been more at home on The Apprentice – I bet he cooks a better Spag Bol than The Apprentice’s Kevin anyway. He also didn’t bring his watch that cost him thousands of pounds to the auditions and he is told he won’t be able to take that into the house. Not because of the brand name but because if Lisa gets her hands on it she’ll pawn it for another boob job or maybe a face lift. I think when Mikey heard the name Rex he thought they’d finally bought a dog in for him but alas no but Mikey did it find oddly humorous that Rex was wearing a blazer.For me at the moment the most likeable and down-to-Earth housemate is Mohammed from Somalia he was picked on for his race and called an immigrant. He seems to have dealt with it quite well but has deviated from his Muslim faith by drinking and smoking and sleeping around. He also has by far the coolest job as he demonstrates toys in Harrods. Next up Rebecca or Bex as she likes to be known runs around like a nutter and doesn’t seem to be wearing any knickers. She’s basically a Vicky Pollard-like Coventry dweller and I for one think we should send her back, she also works as a nursery nurse but I pity any parent who puts their child in her care. She has already got naked like twice and seems to be talked around into doing anything quite easily. She is also a member of the official Hanson fanclub and has asked to be notified if they’ve got a tour coming up – maybe she’ll leave the house after that – quick who has Hanson’s phone number?

kasisopa This Week in TV: Big Brother
The coolest housemate has to be Darnell. He is a black albino guy who was born in Ipswich but raised in the States where he was arrested five times and eventually sent back over here after involvement in gang crime. He hates conflict so I don’t really know why he’s going into Big Brother. He struts in like WWE star John Cena but bizarrely is also carrying a rugby ball before chucking into the crowd. Because his name’s a bit unsual nobody can actually say it so instead he accepts people calling him Daniel, Donald and Danielle. Jennifer is next she is a ‘part-time model’ and for any fans of ‘Flight of the Conchords’ you will be instantly humming one of the songs from the show. She is the one on the show who believes in things and is a vegan. She is also the second single mother and claims she never had the chance to be young and have fun.Finally the most bizarre housemate is Kathreya known as Kat she is a little Thai lady who works as a massage therapist but is quick to point out she is not a prostitute. One thing that we know straight away is that she love cookies. She wants a cookie gravestone when she dies and she comes into the house carrying cookies wearing little plastic boots and a pink outfit she is a reminiscent of a pokemon character Cookiechu maybe? But because of her low centre of gravity she almost tumbles down the stairs. Because she’s a little odd but a lot loveable she’s already been branded the bookies favourite.

opinion graphics 2 1131147a This Week in TV: Big Brother
So far the big story has been the secret task Mario proposed to Stephanie but nobody really believed in their romance especially the vile Alexandra. Stephanie ruined the task by not seeming like she liked Mario at all and at the end of the task Mario and Lisa were rumbled as the couple meaning that they, Stephanie and Luke face the public vote. At the moment I would say that I would like Stephanie to go however its more likely to be Mario. Stephanie doesn’t seem to have any worth to her and because she’s a pretty girl that will lose her favour with the female viewership personally I would like to see her leave first swiftly followed by Alexandra. My favourites at the moment would have to be Kat and Mikey because how could you vote against them? Luke for the simple reason that he’s quite unique and has the same qualities that made Glynn so popular a couple of years ago and Mohammed just for the afro more than anything else also Rachel seems to be the nicest of the girly girls. But you never know with Big Brother do you?

Next Time: Summer Heights High and The Long Walk to Finchley

About MattD

TV Blogger and Podcaster. One third of the Custard TV podcast team. As well as running TV Bites I also write columns and reviews for Unreality TV and Chunk.ie. You can follow me on Twitter @mattstvbites

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